So I’m on my way down to Jacksonville for some turkey and family time. So just south of Richmond and passed a sign for I95 south to Rocky Mount, NC and Miami. There are literally 600 some miles between those destinations. Hundreds of cities and millions of stories. In my late-night driving stupor, it got me to thinking. How many times do people do this in other aspects of life? You know, gloss over any number of in betweens. Like there’s no way something could possibly be two things. Like 95 couldn’t possibly have an exit anywhere in between those two cities. My fiancee is pretty bad about skipping over the in betweens. Like she doesn’t believe in the possibility of a grey space between two polar opposites – good and bad, black and white. She’s coming around, but it’ll take time.
In other news, the fiancee has helped break the ice on the coming out to the brother and sister in law. In fact, he told his friends I was basically his brother. So that’s a plus.
Ok, I get it. Internal conflict is a natural part of this process. The self-doubt, denial and down right stupidity. I remember it when I first realized I was attracted to women, even worse when I started feeling like I needed to tell people. So I’ve sort of vaguely spoken to my sister-in-law (and as a result my older brother) about everything I’ve been feeling. When I did, I told her I was frustrated with my gender identity and that I wasn’t sure what I’d planned on doing about it. While not totally untrue, I also don’t feel like it fully reflects my feelings and current thoughts. End result? I’m frustrated with myself.
She was supportive. She assured me that they, and their kids, would love me know matter what. I know it’s true from them, and yet somehow I couldn’t muster the courage to really talk to her about it. I’m having trouble really talking to my closest friends about it (fiancee aside) and I’m losing hope in my ability to talk to my younger brother this week while I’m down visiting him. I know I just need to bite the bullet, but that’s easier said than done.
On a plus side, fiancee and I ordered our save the dates the other day, so I’ll call that a win.
So whether we like it or not, if we plan to make any kind of physical transition, we will eventually have to deal with medical professionals. I mean, sure, we can change our clothes, cut our hair and the like without medical intervention, but more than that will require a doctor, a pharmacy or a surgeon. I’ve worked in the medical industry (pharmacy specifically) for the last 15 years. I’m no expert on information outside of pharmacy, but I do consider myself fairly knowledgeable about health, fitness and medicine. So I wasn’t entirely surprised to find that we have a diagnosis.
Thanksgiving is coming a little early for me today….
So I went into this whole blogging thing a little naive. I knew there was a pretty active gay community online. I assumed this had to extend to the trans community as well. I haven’t told anyone about my blog, not because I don’t think they’d be supportive, but because I felt like i needed a space to think out loud, find people like me, and figure out who and what I am on my own terms.
So after a few posts, and a few followers, and some serious digging through blogs last night, I had the fantastic realization that there are way more people than just me that struggled with, are struggling with, or have worked through this weird place that I’m in right now. Most striking to me was the realization that there are others who don’t want to be female, but aren’t totally sold on being male either.
It’s nice to feel like I’ve finally found a place to work through my issues a little and even better to know that I’m not totally alone. So for those of you who’ve shared pieces of your life for total strangers to read on the Internet, thanks. For what it’s worth, you’ve made this stranger feel a whole lot less strange.
So if you read the about page, you noticed several references to me being a long-haired girl. I’ve had long hair as far back as I can remember, save a small incident before picture day junior year of high school. And I mean LONG hair, like down to the small of my back.
It’s always been fairly thin and goes up into a bun or short pony tail well and most people didn’t even realize how long my hair was. That pony tail would hide well under a hat, or nuzzle itself into the hood of a hoodie and even with long hair, I would occasionally be mistaken for a boy. For the record, I’m 6’0″ tall, 218lbs. I’m physically built like a boy. Broad shoulders, narrow hips, huge hands.