Pink-Tinted Glasses

So last time in therapy I was asked to do a little homework for next session: write about how Tyler feels looking at the world though Christina’s eyes, and failing that, introduce Tyler. I spend a little time moping and whining about this and then finally set my feet and got to work. I wasn’t moping or whining because I didn’t want to do it, but rather because Tyler and Christina are not distinct people or personalities. I’ve searched for years for the crevice between the two, hoping to find “Tyler” and hide him away forever and finally rid myself of these insecurities for good. The problem is, I’m not two people trapped in one body. The issue is that I’m one person, trapped in the wrong body. Tyler is not some presence trapped away inside of me, watching me live my life. He is me. And I’ve been living my life though my own eyes for…ehhh…almost 28 years. Continue reading Pink-Tinted Glasses

Therapy Round 2

So I had my next therapy session today. I’m going to forewarn anyone who might read this: this post might get a little whiny.

Anyhow, Therapy. We looked over the pictures that I had mentioned in a previous post. I had mentioned before that I wasn’t quite sure what she wanted them for. Basically she wanted to look at them, see what I looked like through the years and she sort of expected me to be able to pin point a real moment for her when I felt like I was in the wrong skin. I guess “expected” is a bad word. I feel like I have a hard time looking back at the pictures and saying “yup, I was uncomfortable in my skin here.” We don’t photograph the bad moments. We don’t take pictures the days we feel miserable or broken.

Continue reading Therapy Round 2

Kids are Weird

I love kids. I’m basically a kid magnet. I’ve had strangers’ kids literally snuggle me in the ball park where Melissa and I play softball. I’ve also mentioned before that I have a LOT of kids in my life, ranging from 16 to 1 in various stages of related or not related, but claiming me as theirs. I feel like this transition has been weirdest for them. Most people have known me as Christina or Chrissy for some increment of years. For the kids, I’ve been Aunt Sissy for literally their entire lives, so they’re having some trouble with it. Continue reading Kids are Weird

Raptor Sauce

So this morning, I woke up with the phrase “raptor sauce” stuck in my head. No context. No meaning, to the best of my knowledge. Just raptor sauce. So I’ve determined to use it as often as possible with the hopes of getting it unstuck. So far no good.

My real reason for this post goes to my age old complaint about passing at the gym. It’s the only place that I don’t consistently pass right now…well until I talk and then I don’t pass anywhere, but that’s neither here nor there. Yesterday I was at the gym and went to sit down on one of the bikes and the girl on the next bike told me it was broken. Fair enough, right? I wandered off elsewhere and did my cardio on another bike….which I later found to be broken for real. See, my issue comes from the fact that 10 minutes after the other girl chased me off, someone else sat down on that same bike and went through their entire routine without interruption or conversation from her or issues from the bike. I try not to speculate the worst of people… it makes me bitter and I don’t want to be a bitter old man… but I had several moments of real frustration. Was it because I was trans? Or “lesbian”? Did I smell? (Protip, I didn’t smell any worse than anyone else at the gym). Continue reading Raptor Sauce

Testosterone: Putting Doctor Speak into Layman’s Terms

So I’ve said before, I’ve been a pharmacy technician for almost 15 years. I briefly considered pharmacy school (but cannot afford a half million in student loans) and eventually decided to go for my nursing degree. If all goes well, I’ll start that next fall. So while researching transitioning to male, especially starting testosterone, I’ve found lots of information about it that is basically in medical-ese. While I understand a lot of this terminology, for those without a medical background, I suspect that this gets really difficult to understand and annoying. So I decided to use my knowledge to try to break down some stuff to hopefully make someone else’s research and transition a little easier. So let’s get started, shall we? Please keep in mind that since I am located in the US, product-specific information is in regards to U.S. products. Continue reading Testosterone: Putting Doctor Speak into Layman’s Terms

Memory Lane: Prepping for my Next Therapy Session

So for my next therapy session, my therapist has asked me to bring in a few pictures of myself from over the years. There were 3 age ranges she was mostly looking for: 5-10, 12-15, 18-25. So Melissa and I took some time to go through the pictures I have. I really don’t have many pictures from my childhood – when my mom took off she took a lot of those pictures with her. Most of what I have now are pictures that I had taken off to college with me. I’m not sure what she wants the pictures for; maybe to get a better idea of how I’ve changed through the years. But Melissa and I actually had a good time going though some of my old pictures last night looking for them, so I thought that I’d share them with you. Continue reading Memory Lane: Prepping for my Next Therapy Session