Have I mentioned lately that I hate labels? I have? Good. I’m going to do it again.
I hate labels.
So during my first therapy session, my therapist really pushed for me to try to think of myself as a heterosexual man. And I have been trying to. I’m trying to maintain an open mind to the process, even though I’m pretty sure I’ve got myself pretty well figured out – it wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about myself and I’m not going to let my cockiness get the best of me during this process. The problem with trying to identify as a straight guy is that those two things have not shaped how I grew up or how I color my world. I grew up female. Surrounded by and hanging out with guys, but physically female. Despite my best efforts, my mom put every bit of effort into making me act female. I’ve learned to pass in both worlds – better as a male than female, but I can make due. I’m also not totally of one sexuality. Sure – I’m primarily attracted to women – or people who express female, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t found men attractive or wouldn’t be open to the idea were I not in a committed relationship. So I’ve decided that I’m not a heterosexual male. I’m trans. I’m me. And it’s just that simple, or complicated, you decide.
I think it’s my lingering attachment to labels and to the need for things to be labeled that has me questioning my relationship so much. I think of Melissa as a lesbian. And what lesbian is going to be attracted to a good, old heterosexual man? And that’s part of the problem. She’s not a lesbian; she’s Melissa. She’s my fiancee. She’s that girl that didn’t run away when I told her I wanted to transition. She’s that girl that has relentlessly harassed my doctors because her work hours are better than mine for doing that. She’s the one that helped me talk to my family. She’s the one that set up therapy appointments, endocrinology appointments. She’ll be the one picking up prescriptions, most likely. She’s forgetful and gets off track. She drives me crazy with her inability to follow through sometimes. I feel like I have to remind her about the same things all the time. But she’s Melissa. And it’s true – lesbians aren’t going to find me attractive anymore. But I have something better than that.
On a vaguely related note – Melissa tried on wedding dresses yesterday. I got to see some pictures of the one she’s not picking. She’s going to be superstitious that way. She looked amazing and, I’m told, found one that she actually loves. So that’s fantastic. Feels like this whole wedding thing is getting more and more real every day. 8 months left. Where has the time gone? I feel like I just proposed.
That’s all for now,