I haven’t written a while. My work schedule changed again and I’m still readjusting… and of course with a new work schedule comes a new gym routine. And with a new gym routine comes a 4-car accident on I-95…. yep. I was that guy. So now everything is all out of whack and Melissa and I are short a car and working opposite schedules. We’ll make due though, it just makes everything weird. Good news is, I’m ok and the car will survive, too. I never really realized how emotionally attached to my car I am until this. I bought ‘Bru just out of college and he’ll be paid off in just a few months. I’ve put a mess of miles on him and he’s reliably taken me everywhere from Jacksonville to Boston. He handled the 18-wheeler tire on I95 wonderfully, drove through more tornadoes and blizzards than either of us should be driving in. I’m supposed to have him back by the 5th, so here’s hoping.
I have an endocrinologist appointment on tomorrow. It’s so close. Up until recently it’s been “next month” or “in a few weeks” and now it’s “I’m off work Monday for an appointment”. I feel kind of overwhelmed. My last therapy appointment got pushed back to this Thursday because of all the snow we had recently. It’s ironic that my appointment is tomorrow. It’s my mom’s birthday and I think that she’d be the one to have the biggest issue with me transitioning if she were around. I think someone told my grandmother. She left me a voicemail for my birthday…basically the same voicemail she leaves every year… “Hey Chrissy… Happy Birthday. I just want you to know that I love you. I remember how I cried the day your mom called to tell me you were born…” and then the part that was a little different this year…”I didn’t cry because you were a girl, but just because you were here and I was so happy to know.”
And then I almost had a mini heart attack at work. I haven’t told my grandmother. I don’t know how to, but it seems someone may have…. I know she loves me, but I don’t know that she’d be able to accept me. She tells me all the time how she’s “grown to love Melissa” but she’s still not sure if she can come to my wedding because her religious views tell her that what I’m doing is wrong. And leave it to me to lead a life that is somehow more “wrong” to her than being a lesbian.
I think I’m freaking out because, in addition to tomorrow possibly being the start of a new chapter in my life, it also puts a solid timer on a couple of important conversations that I’ve been putting off, primarily my manager and my grandmother. I mean, if my endocrinologist says “ok, lets do this now” when I walk in there tomorrow…I have until I start showing signs of transitioning to make these conversations a reality. Even if he chooses to put it off a little and wait until this or that, I still know that my next appointment is is “x days” and my countdown is just a little longer. Either way, my time is running out and I know that.
It’s hard to pull together good news right now, to be honest. I feel like my head’s still reeling from my accident and I’m just totally on edge. At the same time, I know how important it is for me to try to stay positive… I have a tendency to let negative feeling swallow me up. So positive: I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 198. It’s the lightest I’ve been since high school and the first time in probably 10-15 years I’ve been under 200lbs. I feel like I’m in the best shape of my life and I’ve put down some great habits for maintaining my health. My youngest niece called me Uncle Tyler for the first time the other day. That was pretty awesome. She also called me Aunt Tyler a number of times, which was also fantastic and hilarious. I think that’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll have something more to say tomorrow.
Until Next Time,