On the right is November 1 and on the left is December 1. So finally I have something that resembles respectable beard growth. I’ll be continuing to grow most of this out for a while, but I did give up on the under beard for now:
Starting to get some actual triangle shape (finally)
Still lacking in the “totally ripped abs” department, but making steps.
So I’m at this weird point in my transition. I’m being read as male 100% of the time. Some people still have trouble with my pronouns – especially some of the older people in my life, but I can really see they’re making an effort. I recently found out that my coworkers have been correcting my boss when he messes up. He even went out of his way to apologize to me even though I hadn’t actually heard him mess up, so that was nice. People who don’t know (or found out after they’d assumed I was cisgender male) have no trouble with my pronouns. Some people have even told me that they had completely forgotten I was trans. Melissa went to a baby shower the other day for her cousin and her aunt joked that we should be next having babies and asked when we were going to get started on that. She had completely forgotten that biological children aren’t one of those things that will come naturally to us like they will to some.
So I’m sure you’re probably trying to figure out why this is weird to me. Well the truth is, the more I’m read as male, the more uncomfortable I feel in my current body. That’s not to say that I don’t feel that I’m male. But I can’t help but notice my chest more and more every day. Before I started transitioning, having breasts was just one of those things that went with being a girl. They, like periods, were annoying, unfortunate and frustrating, but normal. Every girl had them and that was just how it was. Now, they’re just reminding me more and more of the past. They hang out there (literally) and remind me that I can’t take my shirt off in the locker room. So I have a top surgery consultation in 2 weeks with Dr. Leis in Philadelphia. He’s had the cheapest price quote (by far) and is only about 45 minutes from home. I’ve scheduled a week off work in March and, if all goes well, I’ll be scheduling my surgery for mid-March with the week off for the worst of the recovery process. I work a desk job, so there isn’t much “strenuous” to do at work to take off more than that and I have a fairly high pain tolerance anyway.
I think more than anything, the part about this that scares me is knowing that I’ll be out of the gym for 4-6 weeks. I know I’ve said before that the gym is as much mental therapy to me as it is physically good for me. I’m having a hard time convincing myself that it’ll be worth the momentary struggle to feel more comfortable in my skin and better for my long term mental health – like the needles in the thighs have been. Don’t get me wrong – it’s something that I want and I know I want it. But there’s still that tiny, doubtful voice that says that enough T or enough lifting will make them go away. And I know that’s simply not true. It’s a small, fearful, illogical part of me that’s more interested in the instant gratification that the gym gives me than the long-term relief that the surgery will bring. Hopefully I’ll feel a little better about it after the consult.
Hopefully my next post will be a little sooner rather than later, and with some peace of mind and answers. I welcome any advice you all may have about it.
Until Next Time,
Bonus Material: My lovey, but kind of dopey kitten, Kiwi