Time Flies

So this week marks a year since I gave myself my first shot. The 25th to be exact.

I feel like the racing thoughts in my head that usually keep themselves to a pleasant buzz have piped up to an inescapable cacophony. It’s rather unpleasant. I feel like the side of my brain that usually keeps all of that in check just took the week off and didn’t tell me. The methodical, calculating side can’t keep up with the damn-near manic output of the reactive side and my usual patience seems basically gone.

Today I Learned to Poke Needles into my Leg

So to commemorate my experience, I thought I’d share some pictures of me through the years.

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This picture is literally 9 years old. We were in Mexico for a four month study abroad and the airline lost our luggage. This is my third day in this outfit.
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From 5 years ago when my niece was born.
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This was just under a year ago. A little after starting T, but not enough to really have made much difference.
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From my wedding 09/13/2015
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And this was about a week ago – stereotypical gym bro mirror selfie. Rocking my “I Am Enough” tee from Point 5cc
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Finally, yesterday morning on our way to meet a man about a mortgage – Melissa says I look like one of the Property Brothers. 

For me, the last year has been a whirlwind. It doesn’t help that, outside of my transition, my life has been insane in the last year. A year ago, I came out to my manager. I live in an equal opportunity state in a great company, but I’m no fool: I know there’s plenty a company or manager can do to make your life miserable. To top it off, I was on the verge of a promotion that I wanted badly, so I knew it was dicey to come out, but necessary. I can say without a doubt that it has been wonderful. I got that promotion. My coworkers still treat me the same. But that seems to have been the easy part of my year.

I also got married, moved, adopted a pair of kittens, got into a car accident, changed my name, booked a date of top surgery and am working on buying a house.

So the fact that I’m struggling with my depression again seems like less of a surprise the more I look at it. The gym, while it used to seem like part of my therapy, now feels more and more like part of the routine. Maybe it’s time to mix that up again, too. I’ve got a couple of morning meetings this week, so maybe I can try going late at night after work this week and see if that helps me feel better.

I’m back to struggling with the number on the scale. I think it’s pretty easy to see from the pictures above isn’t an increase in fat, it’s an increase in muscle. I keep trying to tell myself that I’m okay with the idea of gaining weight and bulking up, muscularly, but the truth is it scares the shit out of me.

In fact, I’m back to letting a lot of old insecurities get to me. Depression has been a personal struggle as far back as I can remember. I didn’t expect testosterone to magically fix my depression. That would be plain delusional. And the truth is that overall, I am happier and less depressed now than I was even a year ago today. But I suppose that that’s just the human condition: always trying to figure out a way to feel a little better.

But anywho, I suppose now is as good a time as any for the 1 year pictures.

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Melissa insisted on this one. I think I look like I’m actively pooping…..
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